If you’re reading this, chances are you’re failing at getting the guy you like, to like you back. You might even be stuck in this cycle of zero uptake on your dating life.
Are you finding yourself a single girl? Always chasing men, without any of them chasing you back? Do you find your trysts fizzle out as soon as they begin? Do you meet the most amazing men, start to believe this is THE ONE only for their attention to suddenly disappear and leaving you questioning the whole thing or wondering if you made it all up in your head? Perhaps, in a moment of honesty, past datees have referred to you as ‘too much’. Or they’ve started seeing someone else, as if you’re suddenly non-existent to them – then reciting that you’re both ‘not exclusive’ so there’s no issue. You might even be ready to pack in dating in general and give up, finding the entire process exhausting with no real outcome or concrete future #relationshipgoals in sight.
You’re not alone, I assure you. I myself have been there many, many, many, MANY times. In fact, my entire twenties was a broken dating record of the above. Whilst I understand there is no cookie cutter when it comes to love and every guy and every situation is different, I have learnt some hardcore truths and experiences that make me believe the below tips are pretty factual and WILL help you.
1. Keep your cool
This is easier said than done when you think you’ve met someone special. I always dive in head first and guess what? It ends just as fast. Even if he’s texting you consistently, do not reciprocate in a similar fashion during the early stages. Chances are he’s scoping you out to see how you’ll react, so maintain your cool and you’ll remain attractive to him. It may sound like a game but unfortunately, especially at the beginning, it kind of is. Men, particularly the ones I attract, always text SO MUCH in the early days, typically first three months. They’re on my case from the get go. Then, as soon as I let my guard down (assuming they like me) and start to mirror their neediness, suddenly they disappear and ghost me. It’s like they’re turned on by the chase, but when they know I’m into them, I’m no longer attractive.
I hear what you’re saying “Nix, how do you ever get out of that cycle then?” and honestly, that’s the tricky part. Most decent men who are genuinely looking for love too, won’t play you that way. That being said, ALL men are addicted to the chase, and enjoy the challenge of the ‘hunt’, so to speak. So keep them at arms length in order to allow this game-play hunter bullshit to play out, to your advantage. Which leads me nicely to the below…
2. Remember whatever you chase – it runs away
Ever tried to chase a dog to get it to come back on the lead? Yep…it runs in the opposite direction even faster. Whenever you chase something, it will always run away, and unfortunately this includes men. Also, men LIKE to chase. They enjoy the good ol’ hunt. So let him see you as his prize worth hunting down. Do not do the chasing as it will come off as desperate and highly likely puff out their steam before the engine has even been fired up. If you want to be viewed as a prize ladies, you need to start acting like one. That includes letting him work for you, letting him graft to get your attention, your texts, your time and energy.
3. Let him make contact first, no questions
Once again, easier said than done, but he needs to be the one showing interest. Assume that he has a few other girls texting him – make yourself the one that stands out by not being bothered to text him first. This way, he’ll be intrigued by you and he’ll actively want to text you and communicate. First date? Let him text you first once you depart. Want to see him again? Wait first to see if he asks you out. It’s not about gender roles or an anti-feminist stance (I am so bolshie I’ve always asked men out first, mostly ending badly) it’s about what works in getting the guy you want.
Once again it’s human nature, but if we’re standing in a shop and there is a bowl filled with sparkling emeralds (which are precious and beautiful, don’t get me wrong), we’ll want to dig deep to pick out that tiny precious diamond instead. The emeralds have become devalued just by the abundance of them, and how ‘in your face’ they are in the bowl. Does that make sense? God I’m full of analogies today.
4. Make no references to him on your social media
If he’s already on your social media, then do not put any references to the first date or to him on any platform. This will come off as ‘too much too soon’ and will put out the flame before it’s even lit. He’ll also want to see how much you care, so by no public displays of affection, you will keep your cards close to your chest. This is always a good thing. Besides, first dates should never really be put onto social. Sure, you can upload your pretty selfie or OOTD (you look good girl!), but definitely not a selfie with him in it. Many guys find that uncomfortable and too much to handle. Plus, you do not want him to start thinking you’re obsessed with your social media. There is nothing more offputting than a girl constantly on her phone taking selfies at the table or constant stories with filter on them, so much so that she isn’t even acknowledging the present moment or conversation. Stap.
5. In fact, don’t let him on your social media at all (just yet)
If he’s not already on your social media, don’t add him / accept his add just yet. He needs to see that you don’t let anyone and everyone on your channels so that when you do eventually add him, it will feel like he’s achieved something. Also, he won’t be able to stalk you and make assumptions/judgments on you and perhaps cancel future plans. Public profile on IG? No worries, don’t follow him back straight away and do not follow him first. Alternatively if you don’t want to come off rude, follow him back but don’t go through his entire tile feed and like every photo. Nope, not the one.
6. However you feel – slightly withdraw
I’ll confess I am particularly bad at this as I wear my heart on my blouse sleeve, but even if you’ve already rung your mum to discuss how you’ve had the best first date ever…do not let on to him that you feel this way. He needs to feel that he doesn’t have a 100% hold on you, so that he’ll keep on working for it. Thus, the second and third (and fourth!) dates will occur.
7. When he asks to see you next, be busy
Sure, it sounds a bit ‘game play’ but unfortunately, it actually works. None of us like people who are too readily available or appear to have nothing going on in their own lives, because when we think of an ideal partner we want someone who can match us and hold their own in the relationship. If someone comes off as completely dependent upon you, it’s off putting. Also, if you’re busy the first time he asks to see you, he’ll start to wonder if he has competition. This won’t make him withdraw, it will make him want to work even harder. You can definitely give him alternative dates, example he asks to see you Friday night and you graciously decline, but then suggest Sunday lunch or evening. This is fine, he still needs to know there is a chance with you. Just not at the drop of the hat whenever he decides he is free and wants to hang.
8. Remain enigmatic
Being enigmatic simply means…not revealing everything about you, your life and your emotions from the get go. Even when you get to the second date (which you will if you follow these easy steps) you need to remain slightly mysterious. Always bear in mind that everyone wants what they can’t have, once again it’s human nature. So if he never knows where he stands with you, if he’s not sure what you’re thinking, and doesn’t feel like he ‘has you’ then he’ll continue to want you.
9. DO NOT send streams and streams of texts day in, day out
This rolls on nicely from the pointer above – an aspect of being enigmatic means not constantly available on your phone, sending WhatsApp texts to him over and over until he responds. Firstly, that is annoying to ANYONE. Secondly, if you’re in his face day in, day out (or metaphorically in-his-face via his phone screen), you’re going to become less appealing and less attractive – possibly even labeled as the dreaded ‘desperate’ or ‘needy’. If he finds you stifling and suffocating via texts, why would he then want to meet up in person?
Listen, nobody likes being ‘blue ticked’. Nobody. Everyone hates being ignored – especially by someone they have the feels for. However, you need to allow this man room to breathe, to chase you, to want to text you and to ask how your day is going. You want this man to be curious about where you are, not always the other way round. My advice? Find a girlfriend willing to be the replacement textee. Send her all your messages you want to send him. Divert that phone attention elsewhere. You’ll thank me later, I promise.
10. Don’t sext before the third date (try three months, or never!)
If you’ve got a second date set up or you’ve already had it…he might start requesting nude images. Yes, you like him and yes, you are hot. But this will be another test to see if you’re malleable. It’s a known fact that whilst men ask for pictures, they respect the girls who don’t actually send them. Those are the women they chase, not the one who has already given out the goods via Whatsapp. I should know – I’ve made this mistake myself many times before.
It may feel like a lot to remember and take on board, but it will become more habitual the more you practice it. Don’t get it confused with game-playing, it is more just understanding what makes men tick and then giving this to them. After all, they think they know what they want, but they don’t know what they need. Give them what they need and there will be fireworks long term. Oh, and always bear in mind:
The candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.
