Being cheated on by your partner, albeit short or long term, is one of the most devastating situations that someone can go through. It rips you apart and the betrayal runs deep. DEEP. That next-level pain can stay with you for months and years, consume your every day, infiltrate your nightmares and ruin your self-esteem, confidence and general happiness.
Whilst it may feel like your broken heart will remain this way forever, I PROMISE you, you will heal. You will mend. You will feel ‘normal’ again and happy again, it just doesn’t feel like that now. We know that ‘time heals all wounds’ and while yes, it’s absolutely true, there are things you can do to speed up this process.
We need to actively help ourselves on this one. The below are tried and tested tips on how you can heal your broken heart faster, move on quicker and release that pain from being cheated on:
1. Cut all contact. Change your number if you have to. Block & delete them off EVERY APP.
It’s a must. The number one rule therapists and coaches say when leaving a narcissist or toxic person, is to go no contact. This is also true if someone has cheated on you. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT heal all the while you stay in contact or stalk their social media. All you’re doing is revisiting your trauma and causing more pain watching them from afar. Cut everything. It is not childish, it is self preservation.
2. Don’t stalk the secondary woman / man. Do not compare yourself.
Comparison is the thief of all joy, or so the saying goes. Actually, it’s bang on. Do not start probing at who they cheated on you with and stalk their social media too. This is a downward spiral and there’s nothing there for you except more pain and more misery and a longer recovery timeline. Whoever they cheated on you with is actually irrelevant – what matters is they did cheat, which makes them a piece of sh*t that is no longer worthy of your time or attention.
3. Do not reach out to the aforementioned secondary person.
This is just a blanket no. It’s going to get messy, it does you no favours and chances are, the secondary person either had no idea you existed or was told a bunch of lies about you aka ‘you’re mental’ bla bla bla.
4. Do not get drunk.
Okay this one I preach but don’t follow through myself, but can definitely say from experience try avoid drowning your sorrows. Drinking brings to the surface all of those inner feelings that you’re keeping under control, makes you reach out / do stupid sh*t and then causes a depressive mood following days until it’s out of your system. It seems like a good idea at the time, but partying and drinking in excess is going to delay your healing path. Trust me on this!
5. Understand it is trauma and you need to HEAL.
So many of us want immediate responses these days. Immediate change. They cheated? Then f*ck them and I’m over it now. It doesn’t work that way – you can’t just click your fingers and feel fine. You have experienced some painful trauma and you therefore need to heal. Lots of self-care is now due, along with educating, listening to life coaches and doing things like yoga, meditation and things that spark joy in your life. Now is the most important time to invest in yourself and give yourself the love you need and deserve.
6. Sit with every emotion. Including rage. Yah, that bad boy is going to be around you alot…
Rage, frustration, confusion, depression, sadness… you’re going to be hit with every emotion going, including missing them. This is part of the process and you can’t run from any of it. I am not saying it’s fine to embrace your rage and key his car or troll his Instagram, but I am saying you need to sit with that anger and bury deep into why it exists. You need to accept it does exist, as you are human, and work through it. In times like this the only way is through – you can’t swerve to the finish line with healing. You have to wade through the heavy dark stuff first before you reach the clearing. Savvi?
7. Journaling – it helps.
I talk alot about keeping a diary / journaling in my podcasts because honestly, it’s free therapy. Writing down your feelings, your thoughts, your nightmares – whatever is on your mind, releases that emotion from your body. It helps you make sense of your thoughts, as well as being a safe space for you to express your inner most darkest thoughts. After, you usually feel lighter and more relaxed. Whatsmore, you can reflect on past diary entries and realise how far you’ve progressed on your healing journey, which spurs you on to keep going.
8. Shift the blame.
It’s so easy for us to slip into this space where we feel inferior, insecure and damaged because we were ‘not deemed good enough to be loyal to’. This is absolutely categorically not true. Someone cheats because of their own issues and dysfunctions and unhealthy personality types – it has nothing to do with you. Chances are, they also cheat on others before you and those who came after you too. They’re the f*cked up one, NOT you. You did nothing wrong to be betrayed, they’re just an asshole.
9. Talk it out.
I heal by talking about it all on repeat to my most trusted people. I also talk it out with my therapist every week too. I LOVE my therapist! And after every session I skip to work feeling lighter than before, even if I began the session in tears. Talking therapies exist for a reason – because they work. If you’re recovering from a toxic cheat and/or a narcissist, there is a high chance you’ll be ruminating for a really long time after the breakup. This is why therapy is so important as it helps pull you out of your own head. Or, find a family or friend member that understands what you’re going through and will listen to you, judgement free, whenever you need to talk about it all. Talk about it as much as it takes to release it from your mind, body and soul.
10. Do not take them back. EVER.
Once someone breaks your trust, has sex elsewhere, has an affair, degrades you and disrespects you enough to entertain someone else behind your back – never take them back. Your forgiveness will only give them a green light to continue doing it. They may ‘behave’ for a while, but at some point they’ll slip back to their old ways. You need to make cheating your own dealbreaker and regardless of how much you love that person, you can never look back.
11. Fill all of your time with awesome stuff.
Now you’ve got this new space to live in your own authenticity, why not fill your time up with incredible things that makes your soul happy. This is especially important if your ex was toxic / controlling / manipulative too. You need to use this time to rediscover yourself, your happiness, your wants, needs and goals in life. Start that hobby you always had your eye on. Take yourself on dates. Hang out with friends, be present with family. Now is the time to make yourself your main focus.
12. Don’t play the victim.
Okay this can sound quite triggering but hear me out. You absolutely ARE the victim in this case and you never deserved what was done to you, what you were put through and the pain you’re now having to live with at the hands of someone else. I’ll never minimlise that. What I will say, however, is it becomes easy to hold onto this narrative for yourself and replay this victim mindset in all future relationships. If you do this, the cheat wins. You need to move from victim to survivor to thriver mode, in which whatever they did has no affect on who you are anymore. Don’t allow one knobhead to ruin the way you see yourself.
13. Don’t romanticise wtf they’re up to now.
Hands up, I do this. I play out stories in my head that they’ve run off into the sunset with the person they cheated on me with, or found a new victim to play their narcissistic games on. I have to work so f*cking hard to rewrite my brain when my imagination takes over. The reality is – and this IS the reality – it takes years for unhealthy people to change and that’s on the premise they even register they need to change and get help. They won’t treat the next person or the next person or the next, any better. It actually always gets worse if they’re a toxic person. And if, on the rare moment they do find happiness, just know you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Besides, the only thing that really matters is that they treated you like crap, ergo, they don’t belong in your life anymore.
14. Give yourself the closure they never did.
If the person is extra toxic and has deep personality issues, chances are they react to being caught cheating with rage, abuse, gaslighting and more lies. They’ll never take accountability, they’ll never tell you the whole honest truth and they’ll never apologise and actually mean it. If they say sorry, it’s to try get you back on board. You will never get closure from this type of person, which is why it’s so important to give it to yourself. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it. You need to do all the healing work yourself, stop trying to find answers, delve into the lies, the different cheating incidences, finding reasons WHY or trying to get them to confess and feel remorse.
Let. It. All. Go.
15. Love yourself.
And finally, you need to learn to give all of that love that you gave to them, back to yourself. You need to give yourself the love they never could, the love you deserved from the beginning. You need to show up for yourself every day, all day, and be your own best friend. Only once you’re whole and complete alone, can you then be present to find the love you really do deserve.
