When the Fifty Shades craze came flooding into the media, my reaction was ‘isn’t this old news?’ I genuinely thought that everyone is or has had a dabble into the concept of bondage at bedtime. I didn’t really understand how this erotica trilogy had suddenly got everyone gobsmacked at the idea of bondage and S&M because I thought we all did it, just no-one openly talked about it. I mean, owning a pair of handcuffs or a collar and lead is completely normal, right? No? Just me then.
Bondage (BDSM) for those who do not understand it, is the sexual practice of binding, tying or restraint on a consenting partner. Yes consenting – do not think for one minute a real life ‘no’ means ‘yes please grab the hogtie’. Bondage is a massive turn on for those who enjoy the control and power struggle between two people in the bedroom – with one person being submissive and the other taking the dominant role. The dominant role can of course be the female or the male but the majority usually let the guy take the dominant position because dudes get a masculine kick out of knowing they can command their partner, whilst the dolls like the idea of having their man take charge over their body. The submissive enjoys the feeling of being helpless and the dominant person gets aroused from visually seeing the other restrained.
Combined with fantasy and sexual role play bondage can be fucking awesome. You are either into it or not, but if you are, it is difficult to enjoy just the standard missionary ‘making love’ sex when your own fantasies are a somewhat far cry from what is actually happening. Many women are turned off immediately by the thought of pain during sex whereas those who are into BDSM absolutely love it. Most assume that ‘Nixalina from Sex & London City’ is definitely going to be that dominant woman tying her man up and telling him he’s being a very very bad boy. Actually, it’s the opposite. You were wrong! Being confident in every other aspect of my life, I relish NOT being an alpha female with my man. I love to be dominated. I love the idea of letting my man be the only person on this planet who actually has control of me. Because, I am so fucking wild and uncontrollable the rest of the time. Submissive is my thing. Wasn’t expecting that was you? That’s another poignant aspect of S&M to note – never assume what kind of sexual preference the other will have. People are very surprising. So here are my rules and tips for those seeking a bondage lifestyle.
Bondage Tips & Tricks
If you find a partner who is into bondage and S&M, just like you, then bloody well keep hold of them. Sex is such an integral part of a relationship and believe me, if one of you has complete opposite ideas of ‘fun time’ in the sack, then the sex will wain and perhaps one will look elsewhere for their true sexual fulfilment. So, guys looking for girls to carry out their true sexual fantasy (and vice versa) if you come across a female who turns you on and actively wants what you want – tie her down and keep her (literally and metaphorically speaking, ahem!). She’s a special little character and you’ll only appreciate her and the joint chemistry after you’ve moved on to someone else who doesn’t get your kink at all.
When approaching bondage and S&M, always talk to your partner about stuff you like and don’t like. Talking dirty is a turn on anyway, and telling each other what you want makes it so much more fun and allows you both to find out exactly what the other wants. If you love to be choked, tell him. If you want to be restrained to the bed…tell him. He may be too shy to approach the subject with you but secretly thinking the same thing. Often guys are a bit concerned with saying something out loud and the girl is like ‘WTF you weirdo don’t you dare come near my body’ and so they don’t say anything. I’m pretty damn vocal. I’m like…listen…this is my kink. This is what I like. And you’re going to love it too.
Bondage requires use of sex toys, obviously. When it comes to purchasing sex toys, you can either pop into stores like Ann Summers, Harmony, Maison Rouge or purchase online if you’d feel too embarrassed. I remember years and years ago I had to run out of Harmony on Oxford Street because I had no idea what the hell anything was. I was standing there being asked whether I preferred leather or latex and nearly died with humiliation. He was so confident and I was like this new timid little doll. I just let him buy whatever he decided he wanted. How things change! Anyway trip down memory lane aside, do your research on sex toys. For instance a bed restraint goes under the mattress, not on top. Stupid mistakes like that can ruin the true use of the toy. Hogties, leads, collars, blindfolds, spank paddles, whips, handcuffs, frogtie … it is all there, ready to be explored. But you have to work out what is going to suit your kink. They all come in different materials, shapes, sizes, colours and level of restraint. If you’re a newbie, start off with standard handcuffs and maybe a blindfold. Get used to the idea of not being able to push your partner off, touch him, or see him (or vice versa of course for dominating women). If you’re already into that then you can venture out to more expert toys to use.
Pain and pleasure are a very delicately balanced scale set and you have to ensure it is tipped in the right way. I like pain but I like pain only when it compliments pleasure. If I’m lying on a bed and my boyfriend just grabs me by my hair and hits me around the face – that shit is just abuse, it isn’t S&M! If, however, I’m on the bed and my boyfriend grabs me by my hair and pulls me up to kiss my neck…now you’re talking. Make sure the pain never surpasses the pleasure UNLESS you’re both BDSM experts and the height of the pain actually then offers the pleasure. But not even I venture there. Brave souls who do.
Safe word. This is an absolute must. Part of the fun of bondage and S&M is when the submissive person says no but the dominant person then forces them to do it anyway. Please note, I’m talking about a trusting relationship here. You can’t just go out and find someone and force them to do something if they say no. That shit is illegal! But a safe word, such as a fruit, or vegetable or household object is required so that if one of you is suddenly in pain or it is too much – you say the safe word and the other one stops whatever they are doing immediately. If you can’t talk, say because you’re gagged, then a safe hand gesture can be used too. But both of you need to establish these grounds before you get hopping into the bed.
Usually I hate talking during sex but during bondage and S&M sessions, being vocal actually adds to the experience. It allows the dominant person to verbally assert their control over the other, and the submissive can also say things to take their role. For instance, if a guy says ‘be a good girl for me’ or ‘shut up and do as you’re told’ (I’m keeping this as PG as possible) then I’m instantly like DING DING DINGGGG!!!!! The dominant one also enjoys hearing the other moan or say no or say ‘I’ll be a good girl for you now’ etc. You get the jist. Along with the visuals it heightens the whole S&M fantasy.
Keep it in the bedroom. No, I don’t mean that bondage is only allowed on the bed, I mean that once the session is over and you’re both done, you must know when to draw the boundary. If you assert control over your partner during sex, you cannot then be the same in general day to day life. That assumes a whole new level of control – one that shouldn’t exist. Bondage is a sexual experience and must be kept in that manner. I absolutely love for my boyfriend to have his hand around my throat during sex and tighten his grip, but if I was just making coffee in the morning and he comes up to me and starts choking me – I’d punch him in the goddamn face. There is an appropriate time and a place for this stuff!
Don’t handcuff her to the headboard and put a sock in her mouth just so you can go and watch the football match in the living room in peace. I knowwww it is tempting but she will not be best pleased when you come back and undo the cuffs. I’m just saying.
