When it comes to dating (particularly the early stages) let’s be honest, shit ain’t easy. You never know if you’re just the one, or one of many. You never know when the right time is to ask for exclusivity, or if he’ll run a mile rather than opting to commit. Sadly, in my long ass history list of ex men – they all ran a mile.
It’s not like I demand immediate exclusivity on date one. I appreciate love and emotions take time to form between two people. Trust doesn’t just instantly appear either. Everything involved with falling in love has to grow. I also do not live in ignorance and assume that I am the only person these single men are talking to at the beginning either. That being said, if the dude and I are rolling together every week and it has been, for example, over 3 months – I will then expect to be the only girl he is doing this with. If I find out they’re entertaining other girls in the similar vein of our courtship…then I walk away.
You see, I’m an old romantic. I don’t believe in having various different men on the go all at once. I don’t like options.
- Options lead to indecision.
- Options mean you don’t give one your full worth, because you’re having to spread yourself across many.
- Options mean you can disregard someone easier as you have a ‘back-up’ rather than putting in any real effort.
- Options lead to weird behaviour which leads to trust issues.
- Options, for me, are not an option.
One of my best friends has always tried to convince me to date multiple guys at once. She says I latch on too quickly to just one person, and it becomes difficult then for the guy to keep up. If I had many on the go, I can dilute my attention and appear ‘mysterious’ thus offering an attractive attribute to all men involved. But how does this kind of lifestyle work out long term? Well, apparently, you find out which is your favourite and if they’re acting like they deserve you, then you commit when they commit.
I can see the appeal for this way of life. It definitely works on paper.
But it doesn’t work for me in actual real-life dating. Mainly because I cannot offer real feelings to more than one person at once. If I dated 3 men in a month, for instance, I’d already know which one gives me the shivers and I’d see it completely pointless to continue to date the other two. Why bother? I’ve already recognised who I want. Whereas many many people continue to date all 3 anyway to avoid boredom / loneliness / hurt / or they simply love all the attention. They already know though, truly, who they want. The heart wants what it wants after all. So at least 2 people in this equation will end up getting hurt. I try avoid that at all costs. But if I am completely honest, I find men DO live this way, men DO prefer multiple women on the go and men are aware that someone may end up getting hurt, but continue behaving in this way anyway. It led me to wonder…
When did one girl become not enough?
If the man I am dating is brutally honest and explains he’s talking / seeing other girls, all I can think is – urgh. If we’ve been spending time on the phone, texting all day, sexting or even sending each other photos…I do not expect to know this is happening with a hoard of other girls too. It makes everything seem less special, less precious and frankly, fucking fake. I’m not here for your entertainment dude. I know my worth. If you’re not into just me, then you’re not into it at all.
How many of you have said “Oh I wish I had a love like my grandparents, they’re been married for most of their life”? Yeah, loads. I know…I’ve done the same. Their generation had it right when it came to love. Dating actually meant something back then, and words spoken were not said lightly. Nobody seemed to need to date loads of people to fulfill any ego. Dates were not about hoping for a shag either. Dates were about finding out about someone you think you could eventually share a life with. Their love lasts decades because it was founded on something pure and organic, with trust and loyalty offered from the get go.
These days everyone lives by a completely twisted set of romance rules. Aforementioned loyalty and trust is out of the window. If my dude goes away every weekend and blocks me on Whatsapp or screens my calls…how can he possibly then expect me to feel any trust or loyalty towards him?
These new romance rules always trip me up. I’m an old soul when it comes to love, so I struggle to fit in. Since when was it okay to request sex or a blowjob on a first date? When was the word ‘date’ amended to ‘hook up’? Why is it ever okay to expect a girl to send you naked images but then be receiving them off at least another two girls? I know my exes had secret apps that stored dirty received pictures on their phone, so girls couldn’t catch them out. Why is one person’s attention no longer good enough these days? I don’t get it.
When I say I like a guy, this doesn’t mean I am in love with him. It means I have feelings for that singular person. If I am crunching on a dude I categorically cannot and will not spread myself around to date or sleep with others. I am loyal from the moment I decide I have feelings for that person. Why shouldn’t I be? Since when was loyalty bad? If he’s managed to capture some of my feelings and most of my attention then he deserves my sole focus for however long it pans out. It may be a month. It may be six. The length of time doesn’t matter – I’ll always stay faithful REGARDLESS if we’ve not had the EXCLUSIVE conversation. I’m a 32 year old mature woman, I do not need to have a ‘chat’ to be exclusive. Either I’m fucking you and just you, or I’m not at all. There is no multiple accounts or hidden apps or template sexts on my smartphone.
The struggle is real, dear reader, because how can you expect men to also value the old romance rule just because you do? How do you say “that made me sad to know I’m not the only girl” without sounding like you think they’re your boyfriend already? I get everyone takes their own time to settle, I totally understand the fact that dating many people will often help you work out what you want and do not want long term. But at the same time I don’t want to know that my guy shares my bed Friday-Sunday and then shares someone else’s bed Monday-Thursday. I mean, let’s be honest, who actually does want that? That’s just shit. And if this is how it does start off then how can trust this person down the line?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one. Am I stuck in my old ways? Is it normal now to fuck around? Or has the world gone dating-app-sext-mad and we all need to calm the fuck down and return to some loyalty and values during the dating phase?
Let me know your thoughts.
Nixalina
