Disney, I have a bone to pick with you. You are the essence of my childhood, the foundations of my upbringing. The catchy tunes were embedded into my memory before I could even walk. Okay maybe I walked first but you get the idea. Disney is, and always will be, intertwined into the fibre of my being. I learnt life lessons from Disney.
The variety of movies gave me an insight into the big bad wide world. For instance, I cried through Bambi, Fox & Hound and Lion King and discovered my desperate love for animals. Pocahontas made me want to live a life away from Western society. You get the idea.
So, you see, I’m a bit miffed now *bloody furious*, realising that Disney told some serious big fat lies on the subject of love. I got set up for a fall. I had all these wonderful ideals and scenarios in my head that would surely happen to me in my ‘grown up’ future. Ermmmm…true love? Prince charming? Sing-a-long animals? IT’S ALL LIES. My ickle heart broke when I discovered I had been fooled. Not just because I never had mice helping me make a dress for a club, or squirrels helping me wash up, but also because I never fricking found my one true love simply by singing out of my window. Tried it. Doesn’t work.
So, here’s all the love lies that each of my favourite Disney movies told. Sorry to break your wee hearts too, but misery loves friends.
The Lion King
If you are soulmates destined to be together, you’ll find each other again somehow, someday.
Yeah, this doesn’t happen, does it? Soulmates do not seem to exist. When I was 18 I would have bet my life’s savings on being married by the time I was 27. 27 seemed old to me. Now, 27, I am pretty convinced there is no one true soulmate out there destined for you. Simba ran away, far away, and still managed to bump into his soul mate again? I’ve gone on trillions of dates across the entire city and not one dude was even half close to my soul mate. Not one. Pack of lies Walt Disney…pack of lies.
The Little Mermaid
A man will fall instantly in love with you based on your looks, and doesn’t care about anything that comes out of your mouth, he’ll just love you forever anyway.
Pahahahaha don’t make me laugh! Guys do not, I repeat do not, just fall in love with your appearance and nothing else matters for the rest of your days. I fricking wish. That way I’d be living a life of dreams right now. Instead, men will get rid of you at even the slightest sign of nagging / arguing / negative comments. You cannot be opinionated and keep the guy. They all run away with their penis in-between their legs, whining. You even remotely criticise him? Oush, to retaliate he’ll fuck the bar maid. Be pretty and be quiet is the actual lesson to learn here. Ariel had more of a chance without her voice. And don’t get me started on Eric being so ignorant he didn’t think the brunette version might be a bit suspect. Nope…he was just going to marry her anyway. Idiot.
Beauty & The Beast
If you fall in love with an absolute monster, your love will transform him into the charming loving beautiful person that you deserve.
Oh god, I’m in stitches right now. Stop dreaming sweetheart – you marry a pig, he remains a pig! Sure, you knew he was a beast when you made him your partner but did you think he would change and his emotions would come out once you were his missus? Course you did. And did they? Course they didn’t. He was always honest about who he was, and actually he’ll blame you for expecting anything more from him. Beasts do not turn into buff boys. They remain beasts. The wolves are on the inside my friends.
Snow White
Having 7 men hanging around you defending your honour and doting on you will not put another guy off, because he’s your true love.
Ermmmm…no. If your potential love interest so much as sniffs another guy around you, he’ll give up and move on. What, date someone else while you’re dating him? I don’t think so. His ego will not allow for that to happen honey! You either stick to just him, or, run the risk of being labelled a slut. But don’t you worry, he can go on as many dates as he wishes with as many other girls and it’s all okay. That makes him a stud. You, slut. Him, stud. Gottit? Good.
Aladdin.
If a guy says he’ll show you the world, he actually means it. Literally.
Course he doesn’t mean it. He says whatever he needs to say to get you into bed. He just wants to go down on your rug, not get you onto a flying one. He probably thinks his penis is so orgasmic that you should be transported into another world of happiness just by sitting on it. Empty promises sweet cheeks. You won’t get to see the world. You’ll be lucky with a trip to Butlins.
Pocahontas
A man will look past his ego, his education and your differences to realise that, actually, you could be right.
Hahahahaahha. AS IF. Even if he already knows you are right, he will argue with you until the death anyway. A male’s pride is a force to be reckoned with. Often, you just have to agree with them to end the verbal battle. What he says goes, what he thinks is right and how he grew up is the right way to grow up. No questions asked.
Pinocchio
When boys lie, it is so obvious they learn never to try again.
NOPE. Big fat lie again! When boys lie, they then lie and lie and lie to cover up the first lie, and if they are ever found out, they’ll lie their way out of that too. Sure, they may have to, now and again, make a confession but do they then learn their lesson? Do they fuck. They just wait for the next opportune moment to be able to lie to your face again.
Sleeping Beauty
A man will quite literally save your life by offering his eternal true love’s kiss
Wrong again. If you fully believe that your life will change for the better once you find your love, you are wrong. You cannot pin all your hopes on that man waking you up from your current life coma and injecting it with LOVE. Ain’t going to happen. If you rely on a dude to wake you up from your slumber, honey, you’ll be getting a lot of beauty sleep. That’s all I’m saying. Rely only on yourself.
Mulan
A man will love and respect you more when you can do masculine things better than he can.
Actual LOLS right here. They hate that shit! If you can do stuff better than they can, they don’t praise you! You emasculate them and boy they don’t like that. They need to be the better looking one, the more intelligent one, the one who can fix everything etc etc bla bla bla. He won’t be impressed he’ll be pissed. He’ll either dump you, sulk or make you feel so shit about yourself you won’t do it again.
Cinderella
Once he has eyes for you, every other girl will appear unattractive in comparison and he’ll dedicate his life to making you his one and only.
Another huge lie. He’ll have eyes for you, sure, but as soon as someone else comes into eye shot who he fancies, you’ll be pushed to the background to make room in the foreground for her. You’re not the one, just one of many. Honey if you run off at midnight he won’t spend the rest of the night searching for you, he’ll go right back to the bar, get a drink and try hook up with another girl. You could drop your car keys or your phone on the stairs, he won’t even bother picking it up let alone try to get it back to you. You’ve got more chance calling the club’s lost property department the next day and hope it got handed in. Soz about that.
