It’s a problem that seems to elude vagina-owners everywhere. Reaching the ‘Big O’ when you’re getting on by yourself is no problem at all, but as soon as it’s with a partner, you just can’t get there.
Most of the time, if you have a vagina, you’ll reach orgasm by stimulating the clitoris, but when you’re with a partner, we expect to reach the magical moment at exactly the same time. Fireworks exploding, passions heating up and the shouted names of deities heard for miles around.
Nah, snap back to reality, mate.
Let’s get the pros involved.
Dr Mafe Peraza Godoy is known as the ‘clit-whisperer’, Urologist, Andrologist and Sexual Medicine expert from the School of Sexual Wellness, Intimology Institute. She is developing the next generation of sex tech to teach women (and men) how to achieve healthy pleasure. We asked two burning questions to get the real deal.
I reach orgasms by myself, but not with my partner. What’s wrong with me? What can I do?
“Despite what they sell in the movies, the orgasm is not an exact science. Even though having one is not as complicated as getting to the Moon, having it with the kind of sex they sell in movies can be a similar stunt. Okay, so we have exaggerated a bit, but the fact is that it is completely normal not to reach orgasms with the kind of stimulation that you take for granted as the “usual kind,” because the androcentric western society has imposed it, and women almost inherited, like memes.
“It is believed that the first definition for the lack of orgasms was imposed by the authors of medical books, who for a long time were male, determining that the lack of orgasm during intercourse would be called anorgasmia. It’s a way of saying “if you don’t have orgasms my way, you have a problem.” And that way was vaginal penetration. But of course, the other ways to get there were not considered.
“Anorgasmia is a sexual dysfunction that must be well defined since the term has been misrepresented by including it in the female segment in an inadequate way, so do not confuse the failure to meet your orgasmic expectations or the disinformation about it, with anorgasmia. A good way to measure how easy or difficult it is to achieve it is to see if you reach orgasm through masturbation. If that’s the case, we can rule out that you have any problems reaching orgasms. If you still do not reach an orgasm by yourself, try to explore your body and discover its sensations. If it is still difficult, consult a specialist or write to us, but above all, you must understand: that you are not sick and that it certainly is a condition that can improve.”
Photo by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
Why is it so difficult to reach orgasms during intercourse with your partner?
“It’s not difficult, but we attempt to reach them the wrong way.
“Although sometimes “what you see is what you get” works like a charm, not every day is going to be Sunday. All sexual relationships go through phases, it has long been described that the sexual response of most women is circular and includes elements such as intimacy, physical and emotional satisfaction, as triggers of excitement and even desire; elements that feed the desire are included, which would also be triggers.
“Finally, regardless of how and why a woman enters the circle of sexual response, desire feeds the excitement in women and vice versa, and these phases must have been completed to reach an orgasm. Orgasm is the climax and end of this response, although it does not have to be just one. That is how you can go back to desire/excitement or reach an orgasm. Although men have it more complicated to have several orgasms in a single session, it is not impossible. So, if we do not go through the different phases it is more complicated to reach an orgasm. It’s like building a house beginning with the roof, although sometimes it can turn out to be pretty.
“Another frequent problem is due to how the stimulation is carried out. Although saying like that sounds very cold, it has to do with how you relate during sex: Could we say that sex revolves around the penis? If so, this is wrong. You must spice up intercourse. What’s normal is for you to know yourself better than he or she does (although there are studies indicating that homosexual relations between women score better in terms of satisfaction and in questions about orgasms).
“Women who explore themselves or masturbate and know their bodies better tend to have more satisfying sex. If the problem is that your partner does not know how to stimulate you, tell him (tactfully, you know). Teach him/her how to make you feel pleasure, and remind him/her that times are different for each one, especially if your partner is a man. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s another way of getting to know each other, isn’t it?
“And as for the type of orgasm, there is plenty on the table, but the truth is that neurobiologically there is one with many triggers. It does not matter so much who’s right; what matters is that only 29% of women can reach orgasm with penetration alone. So, knowing how to play and pleasantly stimulate all your erogenous zones and your clitoris is the path that leads to (the best) orgasms.”
You heard the Doc! The best way to increase the chances of reaching orgasm with a partner is to get to know your own body. Figure out what works for you and what makes you feel good when you’re alone, and take that into the bedroom (or wherever it is you do it) with a partner.
But, perhaps most importantly, don’t put pressure on yourself. If you’re thinking “I have to get there” the whole time, then you’re going to be tense, stressed and probably never going to get there, which is even more frustrating. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, so try to enjoy it whether you orgasm or not. And remember, sex doesn’t just end when you’re partner comes; carry things on after and change tactic to get there yourself!
