Originally coined in the classic Never Been Kissed movie, I use (and inflict on my girls) the term ‘crunching’. When people don’t have a clue what I am talking about, I politely explain it is in the Urban Dictionary so is definitely a real thing. It basically means you have a massive crush on someone. Huge crush. BIG. Easy to translate.
You cannot be casually dating or having a fling with more than one person and still claim to be crunching on someone – that’s not the right use of the word. Crunching has to be full force, for just one individual. It’s basically all about them. Brad Pitt could stroll past (or Megan Fox for the dudes) and you wouldn’t even look once, let alone twice. Savvi?
So, for those not in the know, here’s my check list on how to tell if you’re crunching on someone:
1. They’re the first person your mind wanders to when you wake up, and before you go to sleep.
2. You can’t help but check your phone every 5 minutes, just in case they’ve text.
3. When they do text, you smile whilst reading it (particularly awkward if in a public place as you look like a nutter).
4. Their voice gives you butterflies.
5. You browse their photos. A LOT.
6. You check when they’re last online every day, all day, even without you realising you’re doing it.
7. You’ll find any excuse to bring them up in conversation with anyone who’ll listen. Reality check – they’re all bored of listening about him by now. In case you were wondering, they really are.
8. You’re pretty convinced that he’s your forever and ever and ever…even if you’ve only just started dating.
9. They’re saved in your phone (secretly) with a few kisses next to the name.
10. You’ve got them on speed dial (Never done this, prone to accidentally dialing when my chunky butt sits on the phone and this could cause all kinds of chaos).
11. Going out clubbing or to bars now seems pointless. You’ve found the person you were looking for so why bother? Disclosure a la Nix – always go out and have fun with the girls, whether you’re single or married.
12. If you don’t hear from them you immediately start thinking they’ve gone off you and your world has ended. Reality check – they were just in a meeting at work. Phew.
13. You no longer bother reading my ‘single life is awesome’ articles on S&SC. How dare you!!!!
14. You don’t even care that I am offended by point 13 because you don’t need them anymore.
15. You’re filled with so much nervous excitable energy that you have gone off food completely (Girl, you gotta eat something).
16. Concentrating on work is tough because your mind automatically wanders to what they’re doing throughout the day. Erm, we all need a job so, cut that shit out right now.
17. Your parents know their name. Oush, you fell hard baby.
18. Rejected other date offers since they have come into your life and you’re sooooo not bothered.
19. All the slow songs in the world sing to you, whereas before they just made you cringe. Unchained melody? Sure. Sing it. LOUDLY.
20. You’re happy I’ve revived the word crunching and will use it from this day onwards. My pleasure.
As you can see, some of these points are not quite oh-so-positive. Unfortunately, that is part and parcel of crunching on someone. If they’re not crunching back, well, you’re screwed my friend. And if you do lose your job over a love interest then I’m sorry to say you’ve gone to the dark place and need to get a grip on yourself. However if your chosen one is crunching back then I am delighted to say you can live in a world of slow songs and candlelit dinners and rose petals for as long as it holds out. If people can’t stand your smugness, then screw them.
Go forth and crunch.
