It’s a story I’ve re-lived like Groundhog Day. You meet a guy, he spins a few lines, you think he’s really into you and then BAMN; he hits you with the ‘I can’t do commitment’ line. This line can crop up in various forms, including any of the following: I need to focus on my career right now, I just got out of a long term relationship and I’m not looking for anything serious, I’m cool with how things are, I am too busy to commit to anything as it wouldn’t be fair on you etc etc. They sound different but I assure you, they all mean the same thing – this is just about the sex.
I’ve heard this shit from various ex beaus, from copious girlfriends discussing their recent predicament, and from my most recent dude. When we first met, I thought he was awesome. Cute, sweet, funny and clearly really into me. Like…we spoke all day every day. He’d say the nicest things and made me feel like I was a diamond. When I left for holiday he said ‘I have one week and 6 and a half days until I see you’ and I was like, Aweeee I’ve only just got here though! He’d say he hit jackpot that weekend when we met, and he can’t believe he’s pulled such a worldie. The compliments were endless. The conversation flowed from morning through to night. We arranged a date and he asked to see me before then too, because it wasn’t soon enough. He was there the very first night I had moved into my new apartment. We’d see each other 2-3 times a week and he was always over mine. Everything was just delightful and the more time I spent with him the more I was falling for him. It was also lovely to like a guy who wasn’t usually my type – he’s not a fashionista, he’s not a model, he’s not a high earning city boy – I thought this is probably going to be something awesome. Except it was less epic, more an epic fail.
While I was on holiday he shaded off somewhat, and his full-on behaviour reduced considerably, to the point I had to say – ermmm you’ve gone weird. What’s the deal? And this was the beautiful opener for him to throw out the ‘I don’t want commitment’ card. I’m on holiday, so that sucks. We must note that at this point, I should have said SEE YOU LATER MATE. But like most girls, I was foolish enough to think he just might have got scared, may have just stepped back a bit and this could be a good thing. So I carried on as normal and when I came back from holiday we spent even more time together. Alas, this tryst wasn’t quite the Shakespeare scene I had envisioned – it ended in an overly-unnecessary-dramatic fashion where, when I confessed I did really like him, he got out of bed and walked out of my apartment. Yes, he left because I said – I really like you. And all he could do was say he didn’t know what to say, and that he told me from the beginning he didn’t want commitment.
So, I feel I need to address this no commitment bullshit. I’ve likened it to someone punching me in the face – and as I cry they claim it couldn’t possibly have hurt because they did warn me they’d punch me in the face. Well thank you for the heads up but that does not, by any stretch of the imagination, make the pain less real. Please note no-one has actually punched me in the face! If they did I’d floor them. But there are two sides to every story, so let’s look at where he is coming from.
He was straight with me about not wanting commitment, and I did once say I was cool with it. He thought we were on the same page, and making it based around sex. He figured if he’d vocalized his intentions it would make whatever happened after that ok. (It doesn’t by the way – if I declared I was going to rob an old lady, I couldn’t then justify robbing an old woman because I did announce it before hand). He’d come over a lot probably as it was a guaranteed night-time session, and his mates were busy or he was bored. Because he has no emotional investment whatsoever, he can’t see the things I did that would have, to anyone else, been an obvious emotional attachment. Now he feels pretty shit for hurting me, and probably regrets the whole thing.
From where I’m sitting, it’s not that black and white. If a guy can’t do commitment I do not expect him to spend 3 nights a week at mine. I do not expect him to shower me with compliments at the beginning, and want to see me all the time. I do not expect him to make future plans – like planning on going shopping together in two months’ time. I do not expect him to chill out on my fucking sofa watching TV while I sit on the floor, thinking ‘isn’t this bliss’. His ‘I don’t want anything’ was always at the back of my mind, and I shall admit I did initially say I was fine with it, on the premise perhaps it just takes guys longer to see someone as a potential partner, and he’d need time. I knew he’d been hurt before and I didn’t want to push him. In a delicious twist of fate – now he’s the one that’s hurt me.
What makes the ‘no commitment but I’ll carry on seeing you anyway’ affair even worse, is it forces you to start questioning yourself. Why does he love being around me, and why does he cuddle me and kiss me, but yet I’m not good enough for any girlfriend type status? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not intelligent enough? Does my success scare him off? Am I too open, or too closed? Does he not like me naked? These questions spin round in your head like a tumble dryer stuck on the ON position. The majority of nice girls always internalize these issues rather than blame him entirely. I used to make him drinks, make him coffee in the morning, shower him with affection, asked if he’d want to be my plus one at fashion shows, let him come over when my best mate was there for an evening and I wasn’t planning on seeing him at all, hang up his wet muddy post festival clothes, heck I even spoke to PRs from major Menswear brands to get him some awesome new ensembles (he didn’t know I did that, was going to be a surprise). Not once did he take me out for dinner or offer to cook for me at my pad and yet I continued to give up the goods no questions asked. I must be the biggest sucker on this planet. Either that or he played his hand very well.
When guys say, we don’t want commitment – we girlies have two options. Cut off and leave, or hang around hoping he’ll come to his fucking senses. I’ve always gone with the latter and I shall never ever do it again. Need I remind you of Malone? I have that tattoo for life! But I didn’t learn my lesson and it’s happened all over again. If the guy has piped up in conversation that he doesn’t want commitment, but doesn’t want to leave it here either – what exactly does he want? You’re not mates because you’ve been dating and kissing and fucking so….if you’re not in a relationship of any form and you’re not ‘seeing each other’ but you are literally seeing loads of each other, then seriously WTF IS IT?
And here’s the real clincher…ready for it girls…..ok….it’s about the SEX. Even if he swears blind it isn’t just sex – this only means he loves the sex AND enjoys hanging out with you too, but doesn’t enjoy it enough to actually give you the respect of a relationship. Soooooo ergo it’s just sex. And I must be REALLY GOOD in bed for him to want to come over that much, that’s all I’m saying! There are two main issues to address on the sex front too: firstly, as females, our sexual drive is no-where near the level of a male. We wouldn’t go out on a night to hunt down a piece of ass to fuck. We’re not wired that way. Sure, many ladies have a high sex drive, and there are the ‘Samantha Jones’ of the world, but they’re far and few between. So we can never really understand the male’s perspective and drive to get decent shag. It’s this drive that forces them to spiel out all the compliments at the beginning and shower you with initial affection, because they wanna ‘tap that’. Hence why, once they’ve had you, the compliments and warming anecdotes cease. Secondly, and most importantly, women feel emotionally attached to having sex. Men can disassociate any inner feelings and rock the physical vibe of sex forever and a day…a man sleeps with his head and a woman sleeps with her heart. She’s having sex with him and thinking how amazing HE is and how much she LIKES him, whereas he’s thinking how amazing she is at giving head and how much he likes her ass bent over. It’s crude, but it’s fact. So whilst they continue to sleep with us enjoying the orgasms, we’re slowly getting more and more emotionally attached and hence the shitty pain when he ups and leaves. After all when there are no strings attached – you can only ever fall. That’s a fact. I’m not wrong, deep down he knows it, I know it and so will everyone who reads this. This is why I’ve come to believe…
If you ‘Can’t Do Commitment’ … pay for a Hooker
‘Just sex’ is not viable for a woman (I know there are some exceptions as there are with everything, I’m rolling with the majority) and so if you know full well you can’t do commitment – don’t be the cunt that hurts her feelings. Pay for your orgasm and be on your way. Because, quite frankly, it never ever is JUST sex. It’s emotional energy. The constant texting, the arranging to meet, the thinking, the conversations, the time spent hanging out watching TV or going for dinner, the mornings together after – everything is emotional energy. I genuinely didn’t even have any energy left to spare him – I was buying my apartment, moving in, going on holiday 5 days later, holding down a 41 hour week job in the city, running my website, getting a 6 week old kitten – as if I had any spare time to begin with! But, I created time, space, and emotions for him because I am a hopeless optimist when it comes to love, and I believe the crap they spout out to get me into the sack. He’d not see that side of it though – he’d not even consider the gap I opened up in my too busy life to allow him in, so he’d not understand why it then hurts so very much when he walks out. Literally.
And so, I guess my point is, if your new fella drops a no commitment card, please take heed of my advice and leave. I wish I’d told him to do one while I was on holiday and then by now I’d have forgotten his first name. What’s more irritating is how people would tell me I could do better, or he’s too young, and I’d sing his praises until the cows come home, chirping up about how mature he was or how he’s got a kind soul so age doesn’t matter. It’s tempting to cling on or hang around because you don’t want to lose him – I understand this. But it’s best to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. Malone fed me the no commitment crap yet would drive from Essex to Kent just to see me for an hour, and then drive home again. I figured his actions spoke louder than words and he did like me so I’d stick around some more. He didn’t! And I had 6 months of this ‘no relationship’ relationship to then get over when we split. Not cool mate. Oh and if you’re the kind of woman who can genuinely detach emotions from sex, you’re a fricking Goddess and should host seminars.
P.s Don’t think life’s irony hasn’t escaped my notice – it was the very same guy I was raving about only a month ago in ‘It’s Called Dating Not Sexing For A Reason’ claiming I’d found someone not about the sex.
