Before you boys read this (don’t shrug your shoulders at me…I know you read my stuff) I’d implore you to bear in mind, this is completely tongue-in-cheek. I do not stereotype everyyyyyyy man I meet however, if you fall clearly into one of the below categories, well that’s not my fault is it. I’ve had the pleasure of encountering each and every one below, in some version or another, and have thus devised a witty summary for the girls.
This guide is to spot what man you currently have on your hands, and thus also a solution to dealing with them. Knowing the type of dude standing in front of you is always the first step to conquering them. Or, walking away immediately…action dependent upon aforementioned ‘type’. Good luck ladies.
Mummy’s Boy
This man literally hasn’t cut the apron strings yet, he will listen to his mother over you, will consistently see her over you (she cooks better dinners) and will allow his mother to interfere in his finances, home life and basically run him like he was still 9 years old. He could be 18, 22 or 32…he will still be a Mummy’s boy through and through. He just can’t quite get enough of her pandering to his every needs, or consistently telling him he’s brilliant. She will also reassure him every time that he can do better than you, and no woman will be good enough for him in her eyes.
Unless you’re prepared to be second best to his mum and pander around him like she does, I wouldn’t bother! You can crack the Mummy’s boy only by playing long ball…and showing him your home-cooked meals are divine, your laundry smells like a Summer’s day and compliment him daily until the cows come home. It all seems like a lot of effort if you ask me.
Pretty Boy
He’s not a model, but he might as well be. Settled into an average job that provides him enough cash to spend and live well, the Pretty Boy will go out to the same places picking up different girls who all fall at his feet. Highly likely to cheat as he needs the continual ego boost knowing he’s still attractive to new women. He prefers to be a big fish in a small pond rather than vice versa, and so will remain in his home-town or in a tight circle frequenting the same bars and clubs with his boys, over and over. He enjoys walking into a place and having people come say hi to him as it makes him feel popular. Alas, realistically it’s more just that he’s being going for so long he’s part of the crappy club furniture.
The only time the pretty boy will ever settle down is when his looks fade and he starts to panic he’ll die alone. Fancying himself as a Dorian Gray…whilst his looks remain and he has cash in his pocket, he’ll want to be seen as the ‘ladies man’ of the group and a girlfriend will not add to this image…no she won’t. Potentially crack a Pretty Boy by playing him at his own game – showing that you’re more popular, that you can be a Big Fish in a small pond AND a big pond and that you receive ample attention because you’re as equally attractive. He needs to know he’s met his match in you.
Jack the Lad
The guy all the other guys adore – perpetual ‘geezer’ who is constantly out down the pub, playing football, watching football and generally causing manly stirs. If there was a thing called ‘Lad Week’ he’d be the King, the Prince and the Court Jester. Often find him pouring lager on his head and stuffing peanuts up his nose, just because he can. He’ll have the whole venue in stitches, you included. Might be a bit of a looker but generically they’re on the slightly podgy side…what with all the lager-time they fit in acting like a clown.
He might actually be a decent boyfriend, if you can see past his stupid childish ways. He’s never really one to go on the look-out for girls (why would he when he can be amused instead burping the national anthem) so if you turned your affection onto him…he’ll definitely soak it up. He’ll also always make you laugh, which is an added bonus. And you know what they say, you can laugh a girl into bed…
Peter Pan
Not literally of course, but the guy who never grows up. You know the types; glued to their games console, expect chores to be done by everyone else bar them and shirk any conversation that involves responsibility. Usually have a parent around who nags them, but tidy’s up after them anyway, so Peter Pan doesn’t ever need to leave Never Never Land.
First sign of a PP, run. I’m just kidding…they can be moulded, it just takes gentle cooing and time. Do not nag a Peter Pan, he’ll shut you down and carry on with World of Warcraft. A Peter Pan is a loyal boyfriend because cheating or lying is too much effort and doesn’t align with his child-like existence. But you will start off feeling exhausted having to be his Bitch.
Gym Obsessive
There are so many of these about now it’s like the Hulk was cloned, de-greened and set out in the streets of London and Essex. Life with a gym obsessive is dull; he wants a protein shake and 20 chickens every hour on the hour, never strays from his strict diet and will literally live at the gym. He will post photos every day from his work-out, during the gym and after the gym, and his status’ will be smeared with diet advice, for those who didn’t ask for it. If you ever suggested he skips a session to see you – expect a row and the outcome you didn’t want.
The Gym Obsessives are, deep down, looking for love too. They don’t see why they should choose between their passion and having a girlfriend, and to some extent I agree with them. If you’re happy to work around his schedule and you feel you still get enough of his time and attention, then he’s a keeper. Especially as his body will look so fierce you could grate cheese down his 8-pack.
Model minus Personality
The generic model has the odd ball personality that goes beyond kooky and is just a bit weird. Considering they have ample space in the schedules that they can fill beyond castings, models generally bum around smoking joints, soaking up each other’s awesomeness and looking into mirrors. They’re never free to see you, yet you never really know why. Also, they’re always jetting off somewhere sunny and so it’s hard to ground a relationship through whatsapp.
If you’re a free spirit, and you like the idea of not being too attached yourself, these models can work wonderfully for you. If you don’t expect lots of communication and you appreciate his ‘free spirit’ then sit back and enjoy the ride. He’ll be beautiful, after all, and you can be happy in the knowledge that, when he feels like it, he shares that beauty with you. For me personally, I’d rather date an octogenarian, but that’s my personal preference.
Model plus Personality (rare find
These do exist, and when you find one hold onto him for God’s sake! Think – David Gandy. A guy with depth, soul and wonderful conversation, who began his career first and foremost as an electrical engineer, chippy, builder etc but then got head hunted and now does campaigns across the world…yes these do exist. I know of at least two. Often quietly confident and shy away from the loud pretentious clubs, as they don’t feel the need to be around fake people. They’re not loud themselves and don’t have an arrogant bone in their body, but when they speak…people listen. A man worthy of any woman he sets his sights upon.
If you’re the lucky girl to snare one of these guys, then bravo. Appreciate him and love him every day, you lucky Bitch.
City Boy Banker Wanker
The type of guy you’ll see around more than most; a two-piece suit will appear grafted to their skin along with a mobile to their ear. They think splashing the cash on magnums will give them stature and attention; sadly all they get is a crowd of girls all desperate for cheap drinks. Usually an Accountant, IT dude, Broker – anything ‘techy’ or ‘business’ type. They’re super charming and do look sexy as in their crisp attire, but you can bet their humour level will rival that of a brain-dead fish. They’ll also be boasting throughout the time spent together and you’ll soon feel you’ve unknowingly entered yourself into a competition about who is the most awesome.
I avoid these types because I find their arrogance irritating, I prefer to chill out and have a giggle and NOT talk about money. They put a lot of emphasis on material shit. If you’ve found a City Boy and think he’s great, then best way to keep him interested is to pretend to be interested in his boring work conversations. Or, do what I did once and learn the power-phrases used in Trading and spiel out all of the ‘techy’ words so he’s left in awe that you appear to also know your way around his business too. Suck on that ballbag.
IT Intellect
Doesn’t always have to be a geek, but that’s the main sub clause of being an IT Intellect. Impressive with their knowledge of technology and if they’re half decent looking, they’re a catch. They’re usually the ex-loner from school who turned to machines for power and knowledge, so they’re shy and not really ‘confident’. This can only be a good thing, because they’re in a stable decent job but won’t shove it down your throat, and they’re not the cheating type of man so you can rest happy you have a loyal beau.
Unused to girl’s attention they won’t demand much from you and will appreciate you around. Just ensure you take your time and reassure him a lot about your feelings towards him – he’s easily scared and might run away on the premise he thinks you’re too good for him and doesn’t want to fall for you and get hurt. Awe, what a sweetie.
The Cool Kid
He’s just that guy, that guy who grew up being respected by his fellow dudes and loved by every girl who comes his way; but not in a prick-like fashion because he never treats anyone badly. He can be a Shoreditch trendy hanging around Hoxton or a West End regular, he probably swings between both when he fancies. Because he can. He’s liked by everyone.
You’ll have to be different, because the Cool Kid is used to having EVERYBODY like him. Any girl he meets wants him, and every guy wants to hang out with him. If you can handle his phone going off loads by both genders wanting him to come hang out…then you’ve got a keeper right here. He isn’t arrogant or cocky just naturally confident, and if he chooses to settle with you, then you’re winning my lady friend. I’d approach the Cool Kid with a slight aloof demeanor and make him work to receive your affection, because he’s never had to do that before. Everyone offers it up freely, and so they should. He’s as cool as fuck.
Sports Fanatic
Will pay hundreds for a season ticket to his team but will never understand why dinner had to be so expensive? The sports fanatic, albeit golf, football, boxing, rugby etc will force you to love his passion too, and if you don’t you might as well stand up and walk now. He will, under no circumstances, miss a game for you. You’ll have to accept you’re second best and if you try push yourself to the 1st position, all you’ll do is push him away too. Plus side is, his body will be delicious because he loves to watch / play / dream about his sport. And after the match…he’ll want nothing more than a hot shower and a session with you.
He’ll be pretty loyal because he’s all about his sport…not chasing skirt. He’ll frustrate the fuck out of you, but if he cares about you enough, you may get slight bending of his will your way. Compromising is the way forward, and don’t, under any circumstance, offer an ultimatum. You won’t win this match love.
The Man About Town
A self-confessed ladies’ man, the man about town doesn’t necessary have to be pretty, or a model or even cool, he just spreads himself about the city soaked in charisma and charm and girls flock to him before they even realize they fancied him. Often telling a girl instantly he doesn’t commit as a way to snare them in, and then this line doubles up as a feasible reason when he eventually does get bored and leaves.
Ever seen ‘Down With Love?’. The only way to beat a Man About Town is to play him at his own game. It’s hard work though and will exhaust your time and emotions. He’s usually a jerk that thrives off girl’s attention anyway and is a shit potential long-term lover. Run away girls…run away.
The Club Promoter
Probably an ex-ugly kid at school who observed what kinds of guys naturally get the girls, then imitated them to become what they class as popular and cool. Or, they’re very very attractive and took the job for a quick-buck….but accidentally roll on 5 years and they’re still doing it because they have got used to being ‘the man in demand’. They’re desperately seeking validation and are so used to being surrounded by dolled up beautiful women they won’t settle for just the one either; they think it will ruin business. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.
Laughed so hard at this, thanks!
Great representation:)