This is a topic I’ve not explored yet; but one that is hugely under-discussed when dealing with dating, relationships and break-ups. Rejection is a possibility within every tryst, every first date, every conversation, one night stand or marriage proposal. With our human ego combined with our requirement of finding our soul mate; rejection in such a form can send people crazy.
Quite literally.
I was speaking to my best mate over wine today about the last two years of my dating life, in particular focusing on what happens when the man in question and I part ways. Whether he’s been a complete asshole, or it is a mutual agreement, or even I declare I’m sick of it and want to leave…I always end up transforming into a yo-yo that bounces back. And I don’t come back when he’s nice to me, oh no, I come back when he’s a prick. If he’s nice and on my case, I just smile to myself then turn the phone over and carry on with what I’m doing. But if he ignores my last text I’ll clock watch to see if he’ll reply within 5 hours.
Why?
Because I can’t stand the thought of someone rejecting me; and you my friend, are exactly the same (I’m talking to every single human being on the planet, and perhaps aliens reading this too. I assume aliens have sorted out Wi-Fi by now).
When dating, my typical character traits are that I rush into situations with guys I wouldn’t even pick as suitable dates for my friends. I overlook obvious issues or faults, and I bend over backwards to ensure they’re happy…and as soon as shit gets comfy, they do a weird 180 flip and back off, making me act like I’m needy and chasing their tail. But I’m not! I’m a happy, confident, independent, successful (and modest lol) woman who suddenly acts like I can’t live alone if my potential option stops texting daily. WTF is that all about? Why do I lose self-worth and confidence once an average man who I barely know pulls back? It’s my ego, that’s what it is. My ego says “huh, he isn’t interested in you anymore? That can’t possibly be the reason…he just perhaps lost his phone/ lost signal/ lost use of his arms/ went blind.” I agree ego, that’s got to be it. He’d be positively mad not to want to be around me!
Just realised I’m talking to my own ego, shit’s got real weird innit.
Exploring this deeper; how many of you have dated someone who was your WHOLE life, and every other thought was about them and your future and how you can wear matching outfits, then BAMN you split, time flies by and you look back on them (happy in your new relationship or happy loving single life) and wonder what on EARTH you were thinking?! Like, were you actually drunk throughout the whole relationship? Because he was seriously on the irritating, chubby, loud side of life and you’re sitting on a greener grass now.
But yet, when you both split, you felt like someone had punched a hole in your chest, spent hours crying into a cold bath and begged the fucker to come back. I know I know…I’ve been there too.
It’s just rejection. I was never meant to be with any of my past datees or ex fellas. I just convinced myself they were the one, to avoid facing the fact that it was over, and they were happy to move on. This isn’t a personal issue btw, it’s not a Nixalina “can’t stand no-one wanting her” individual psychological thing; it’s built into every single one of us. And you’ll all identify with the emotions and actions because you all, if you brace the fact, know you can’t bear to be rejected either. It’s the same reason why, if a relationship seems to be going sour, both parties want to be the one to ‘dump’ the other, not become the dumpee, as to avoid aforementioned rejection. It’s the same reason some people don’t bother to date, or don’t get the courage to go ask for that person’s phone number; because avoiding rejection is better than risking facing it!
I’m writing this because I think it’s important we all take a look now and again at exactly what we’re getting so upset about, why we’re arguing, and why we’re destroying ourselves trying to salvage a relationship, albeit friendship or otherwise. Is that person really your soul mate? Is he/she worth the grief? More significantly, do you remember life before them, and can you picture life beyond them? The answer should be yes, because right now you’re just partially blinded by rejection rearing its ugly head and blocking your view…it will disappear. A bit like emotional cataracts.
And so, with this is mind, I’ve had to take a quick look at my past dating history, and delve a little deeper than “oh, he’s not responded to any of my WhatsApp messages, I guess he hates me, shit, maybe I should call him and see, no wait, I should just leave, no but I don’t want to leave” exhausting shitty thought pattern. So fucking what if he’s pulled away, or changed his mind, or found someone else – he wasn’t ‘right’ for me in the first place! And I know this because if he was, it would be effortless, easy and I’d be smiling from the inside out rather than having to second guess everything or wonder what happened to the ‘I love you’ long-lost remarks. I just need my ego to stop having a conversation with rejection and let me swagger off arm in arm with contentment.
What do you all think? Does the ego play a huge part? Have I got it totally wrong? I’d love to hear your thoughts, come say hey over on IG: @nixalina.
It was as if you looked inside my mind, and drew out my thoughts with your pen and paper.Wonderfully honest and beautiful human being Nixalinaxxxx
YES. This is so spot on it's ridc and FYI I swear down if I was around someone as fucking fit and nice as you, i'd never do a 180 flip. Id want you around foreverrrrrrYou da G Nixie
Oh god. This. Thankyou. I’m so pissed off!!! All of my own bloody doing. Superbly written. X
I really appreciate you, and I applaud everything that you just said.