Send My Love (To Your Ex Lover)

They say (the proverbial ‘they’), that you should never go to bed angry. They also say, you should never blog angry either. Well guess what? I’m blogging and I’m fucking livid. I’m a maverick like that. 

Let me set the scene of my anger. So I met a guy bla bla bla. We started chatting, bla. I genuinely thought he was the sweetest person I had been lucky enough to cross my path, and he seemed to have a similar stance towards me. YAY! We talked alllllllllllll the time, we text, sext, chatted about life, chatted about the normal stuff. Sure, it was all a bit ‘diving in head first’ but if we’re both on the same page, that shouldn’t be an issue. He’s been single for a long-ass time, so he has no baggage, and neither do I…there’s nothing in the way of us two just enjoying what we have. Sometimes, there’s just chemistry from the get-go and it’s unexplainable, but it exists nonetheless. I learnt from my Bunsen burner at school…don’t mess with chemistry. 

The guy himself…well he’s adorable. He ticks 90% of my boxes, and usually I think a 50% box tick is an achievement (I have high standards). The 10% was just logistics beyond his control, so can’t really hold him accountable for that. Basically, he’s got a future elsewhere and it would inevitably start off as a long distance relationship, which is not ideal. But we already discussed this too (he brought the whole subject up, not me) and I explained that, for the right person, I’d happily move. I am under no illusion my perfect dude lives down the road. Life is a Bitch, she ain’t that nice! Whilst I did point out it’s way too early to have this discussion, as he had brought it up, I was compelled to answer. All I wanted to do was chill, hang out, see where it goes. Anyway, we’ll come back to this. 

Not only is he a right cutie, he’s intelligent, chatty, amusing and we just get each other. I loved hearing from him and it didn’t matter what time of the day it was or if I had a billion blogs to write, I still found time to text him. In fact, I once text him throughout at entire episode of Game of Thrones, Hello…is that not commitment in it’s highest form? New season episode too! 

All of the above is still true. I do not, categorically not, hate him as a person. I think he’s a sweetheart. Definitely one of the nicest guys I’ve encountered for a while and my opinion of him in that way will never change. I am, however, full of hate. 

As per normal…as quickly as it all began, it’s ended. Why I hear you ask? Well that’s a great question, thanks for asking people. It’s already over for no real reason except that he still has FEELINGS FOR HIS EX GIRLFRIEND. Oh, and I quote…if he was to do a long distance relationship, it would be with her. 

*and breathe*

Now, listen. I understand we all have a past. Sometimes that past bleeds into the present. But what I do not understand, is how you can have feelings elsewhere yet act like you’re soooooo into someone new that you just want to ‘kiss them forever’. He called me baby, Princess etc on a daily basis. He brought up the future. He made out like there was something here…something real. He told me he missed me, he told me he ‘wanted me NOW’ and he told me I was a sweetheart and beautiful and pretty and lovely and talented bla bla fucking bla. 

I cannot possibly fathom having feelings for someone else, yet saying all of this to someone new. When I tell a man I am single…guess what…I AM SINGLE. Being single means I am emotion-free and commitment-free and baggage-free. I don’t have an ex partner I was seeing a few months ago. If I ever was still into an ex partner, I would not engage in something new. Why? Firstly, because I ain’t got the fucking time or energy to do so, and secondly I respect other’s feelings and won’t drag someone else into my mess. I am a one-man woman. If I like you, I like you. If I call you baby, it’s only you I call baby. If I text you at all hours, it’s only you I text. If I send you images…guess what…they’re just for you.

Talking of images, I must add here…he never once asked for any or begged me for any or forced me to sext. In fact, everything I did, I did willingly. This is where I take responsibility and full blame. It is also why I still really like him – because he isn’t your stereotypical man and he wasn’t after anything like that from me. So, ironically, because he wasn’t after it, I gave it up willingly. It takes two in situations such as this and I’m not running on just one brain cell – I can see my own faults. Rather than being an Ice Queen, I went too far the other way and opened up like a Venus fly trap when a blue bottle flies past (wtf is going on with my analogies today). I had my own part to play and I let my imagination AND emotions run away with me, rather than assessing the reality of the situation.

With such an imagination, when I discover that, perhaps, it’s not been as genuine from his part as I first thought, I get mad/sad/mad some more/sad some more. Delete where appropriate. If he’s still into his ex, why bother in all this crap with me? It’s EXHAUSTING and it consumes my time and it consumes my emotions and it’s all pointless energy wasted because we were never going to end up anywhere good all the while the ex lover was on the scene. I’m sure she’s lovely and she’s a very lucky girl to still have him fucking up possibly new awesome relationships over lingering affection for their memories. Send her my love. 

I feel like I have to constantly re-train men on the REAL rules of dating. Firstly, say what you mean and mean what you say. Secondly, if you have feelings for someone else, don’t engage in something new. This is just common courtesy. Thirdly, calling a girl baby and Princess and talking about the future and telling her you want her will ALWAYS make her feel attached. Don’t kid yourself that your words fell on deaf ears and she is as cool as a cucumber and gives no fucks. She gives all the fucks. All of them. 

The reason I am so angry, is because once again, I found myself believing that this was a REAL connection with a genuine guy who did feel what he said and who was happy with how it was progressing and who was, genuinely, thinking about the future. Obviously, this cannot possibly be the case because if he’s still got feelings for the ex lover, then he can’t have had any intention of giving us a real go. So, my question is, what was the fucking point of it all? 

Was I just a Whatsapp conversation for times of boredom? You are aware there is a human attached to those little blue ticks, right? Just checking. Was I an ego boost? Was I someone to test the new waters with, but then found the water gave him cold feet?  Maybe, after discovering I actually AM a sweetheart and loyal and hilarious (and modest???) he couldn’t handle all of my awesomeness? That’s so clearly it right guys! Perhaps there was genuine feelings for me there…but then the ex lover got back in touch? Who knows. Oh, and please do…send her my love. 

For the conclusion, he wants to remain friends and hang out. Offfffffffffffffffff course he does. I can’t quite see how that’s going to pan out? Are we going to sit across a dinner table and have a deep discussion on how delightful your ex lover is and how he wishes she would do long distance, whilst I sit and provide a caring friendly ear for his dating circumstances? Funnily enough, I ain’t up for that. 

I need to reiterate, this blog is not about hating this guy…I really don’t hate him at all. I still have genuine feelings for him…the same constant feelings I had from the get-go. Because for me, they were real. He is (or would be) a keeper. I’d rekindle it in a moment’s notice if he turned around and said he made a mistake and wanted ‘us’ back, regardless of the ex lover. She is, in all honesty, a very lucky girl to have his affection. Send her my love btw. 

This blog is more about the generic same old bullshit that the dating game provides and the same old bollox I can’t be fucking bothered with ANYMORE. Don’t engage me in a stupid Whatsapp relationship and string my emotions along for zero outcome. I could understand calling it off if I had been a Grade A Bitch. But if I’m such a genuine ‘sweet sweet girl’ then stick around for real, or leave me the hell alone and go back to her.  Every time I drop my barrier and start believing in what I have could possibly be real, it ends up dying quicker than motorway road kill (urgh, gross analogy, sorry peeps). How is this even happening to me over and over? 

Ladies, truly, forget anything I’ve ever said about being honest and open and loyal and loving and game-free. It doesn’t ever fucking end you up anywhere good. All it does it set you up for a fall and leave you questioning whether you should have kept all barriers up consistently. Don’t fall for anything he says. Let actions speak louder than Whatsapp words. Never assume if he says he’s single, that he is single. Never assume that the ex lover is just that…an ex (please send her my love). Never let on that you have actual feelings. Don’t call them pet names. Don’t text them. Don’t arrange to see them. Don’t send images. Don’t send topless images on his request. Don’t make future plans. In fact, just don’t. Anything you do now…don’t. Okay?

Dating can suck my fucking dick. I ain’t playing anymore. RIP sweet sweet Nixalina.