This is a topic that I believe needs to have much more coverage and awareness, so that those who are unwillingly entering into a relationship with a narcissist will have the understanding and tools to see all the red flags and run, immediately. Sadly, many of us have no idea about the deep deep issues someone with a narcissistic personality disorder has, and we have NO IDEA what kind of monster we’re sharing our bed with. Usually, the true horror and damage comes only after you’ve suffered beyond all suffering for years first.
Narcs are usually charismatic, charming, seemingly successful, intelligent, and all round awesome at the beginning. But that’s just surface. Dig a bit deeper and you’ll realise they display either all, or many, of the below traits:
- Delusions of grandeur – they think they’re special and above everyone. They deserve special treatment.
- Fantasy world to support this idea – Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Obsessed with admiration and social status. Always social climbing. Believe that they should only be surrounded by people who are ‘special’ too. So, they often latch onto people who they think are ‘somebody’ in both work and personal relationships.
- Usually obsessed with money, material objects, ‘things’ that make them appear to ‘be somebody’.
- In constant need of praise from everyone around them – must be centre of attention and monopolise conversations.
- Able to exploit others without guilt or shame.
- Always need to be in control.
- Lack of empathy
- Prioritise power over real intimacy.
- Prone to re-writing facts and truths to suit their narrative.
- All relationships are superficial, and there to serve them a purpose.
- Big highs and big lows – theyre pretty fragile, insecure, and their self esteem is dependent on external validation.
- Display arrogant behaviour.
- Constantly believe people are jealous of them, they’re also always jealous of what everyone else has.
- Chronic emptiness and boredom and restlessness. Particularly if nobody is around them offering admiration, validation, and general attention.
- Prone to cheating and lying.
Narcs usually pray on empaths for their personal relationships, as empaths offer free-flow support, love, emotion, care, concern, idolization and adoration, without ever really expecting the same back. The Narcissist & Empath love relationship is truly a match made in hell.
So, I have detailed the cycle (idolize, devalue, discard) below that every victim goes through when in a relationship with a narc. I hope it helps someone who needs to understand what they’re going through, provides clarity on the painful experiences and helps you to GET OUT ASAP.
Want to know what happens when you love a narc? Want to know the outcome? Is there a happy ending? Read the below:
Love Bombing
Narcs are charming AF to begin with. They shower you with attention, compliments, gifts, texts, calls…they can’t get enough of you.
They tell you how special you are, how unique, how stunning, how beautiful you are…how they craved your existence before they even met you. You’ll be their immediate soulmate and love of their life. You’ll think “This is it! This is what real love is! I’ve finally found it!”
As they’re usually seemingly charismatic, charming, attentive, caring, intelligent at the beginning, you’ll be sucked in. They’re your ready-made soulmate and you’re there, feeling beyond blessed. You’re their centre of the universe.
Sounds too good to be true right?
REAL love is nurtured, grown, and built on togetherness and time.
This isn’t real. This is love-bombing. This is a love grenade thrown into your heart and a big ass explosion.
There is no love-bombing time frame, it can be weeks or months or years. Which makes it even harder to pick up on because, if they can keep it up for a while, you will be convinced this is genuinely who they are.
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Mirroring
They will often mirror the person they try conquer. They pick up on your habits then claim to be the same and claim to value your values. Are you creative? They are too. Are you intelligent? They are too. Are you sporty? Oh they are too! Are you homely? Of course they are too! Spoiler alert – they are none of these things.
Withdrawal of Love-Bombing, Devaluation Starts
As soon as they realise they have you – hook, line and sinker, things swiftly CHANGE.
The love-bombing fizzles out.
Texts get less and less. Too busy at work to take calls.
Physical affection? That only occurs when they fancy sex. Other than that, forget it.
Then it starts to feel like you’re was driving this relationship machine solo, and he is just hanging on the passenger side, doing fuck all. You start feeling like you are annoying him rather than someone he looked forward to interacting with. It starts to chip away at you, and you wonder what or why this change is happening? And of course, you blame yourself. So then you try harder to work for that affection you once had. That right there, is his narc supply from you, which is all he lives for. Your desperate adoration to feed him as you starve.
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“The Narc Show” & You’re Just A Supporting Star
You may then start to realise, everything is evolved around them. Their wants, their needs, their time, their habits, their conversations. You’ll start to realise whenever you try discuss anything to do with yourself, they switch off, or they use a cut-in comment to then revert the conversation back to themselves. You’ll start to realise this is The Narc Show and you’re just a supporting star. It may not be a quick realisation, but it will come eventually, especially if you live with your narc. They can’t keep up the mask 24/7, so things start to crack.
Feeding Off Your Love, Compliment & Affection
But don’t get me wrong, they adore how much you love them. They live for it. They can’t get enough of their own reflection in our eyes. Besides, after love bombing, you genuinely think they’re the best human on the planet.
You stick by them when most would run a mile. You forgive major problems, repeatedly. You emotionally and often financially support them, without much back. You offer that shit-tonne of praise and adoration that the narc needs and feeds off.
Obsession With Persona / Social Media / Status
You may start to realise, they’re obsessed with how they’re viewed to the outside world, especially social media. They’re obsessed with being ‘somebody’. They think they’re special and want to be around someone very special. If YOU are pretty special in their eyes (you have money or some sort of status) they’ll both admire you and want to be around you but also resent you, be jealous of you, and in turn try pull you down at the same time. So the qualities in you that they’re attracted to (after all, they only associate with special people) is the very same qualities they resent you for, and start pulling you down at home.
Narcs believe they’re special and deserve to be around other people who are special, and these other special people are the only ones who fully understand them. Everyone else is ordinary and below them. They need to be surrounded by people who are high valued at work or in a high position, who have a social media presence, who are rich or have a rich family etc. Only these special people are worthy of a narc’s attention.
Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Leading on from all of the above, they have a high sense of self-importance. They are above other people, and have a desperate need for excessive admiration. They believe they deserve more than they have, they want more than they have, and their future potential is beyond anything you can comprehend. Unfortunately, that constant need for more makes them pretty unhappy people in the present. Also, in a complete contradiction to this self-importance mindset, they’re actually usually quite insecure people who punish others around them for their own deep lack of self confidence.
It all seems to stem from deep negative feelings narcs have about themselves. You’ll start to realise you’re always emotionally picking them up. You’re always having to life coach them, feed them praise and attention, because when you don’t, they become distant cold and robotic. But when they think you’re obsessed with them and offer your attention and emotions and physically, your body too…they’re much nicer to be around. So you learn to just repeatedly give and give and give, for a happier home life – at your own mental and physical expense.
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Severe Lack of Empathy
Let me just say, a lack of empathy or a lack of being able to comprehend what someone else is feeling is a HALLMARK of a narc. They don’t comprehend any emotion attached to someone else. This is how they can so easily do bad things to you, say bad things to you, or treat others around them badly. There is zero empathy.
This lack of empathy will destroy you. This lack of empathy will cause your home to become a miserable, argument filled space…where you’re left frustrated, upset, unseen, unheard, devalued, neglected and emotionally abused.
This also means, if you ever try tell them how you feel, or point out any of their mistreatment, you’ll have one hell of a fight on your hands. They are NOT okay with facing any of their own bad behaviour – and it will always, always, always, be your fault. Because of their lack of empathy, they will never focus on how you might feel, or what they’ve done to you…they’ll either flip it to ensure all blame is on you, or deliver empty hollow apologies such as “well I’m sorry you feel that way BUT..” or “Okay I get what you’re saying BUT..” which is totally not genuine.
You’re left miserable, constantly defeated, feeling blamed for everything that is wrong in their life and your relationship, and your self esteem starts to decrease, then your insecurities start to rise.
Devaluation
The devaluation of you, your sense of self, your emotions, your love…it’s one of the hardest parts of being with a narcissist. At the beginning, you were fucking special. You were the best thing. You were praised and adored and loved. Suddenly, without explanation, all that gets taken away and you become devalued. Suddenly, the affection goes. The texts stop. The calls get less and less. Suddenly they’re not that bothered about being around you, spending time with you or treasuring you.
Granted, all ‘honeymoon’ phases in relationships change, settle and wain slightly. That’s normal. But when it comes to devaluation with a narc, it starts to feel like they actually hate you now, and they have completely changed their personality.
Everyone else, including ex partners, work colleagues, acquaintances… become way more important than you. You become someone they have little interest in. Of course, theyre not going to leave you…especially if they have use for you still. They enjoy the control too much and their ego would take a hit if you moved on with someone better. No, they keep you at home. Their emotional sponge.
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Gaslighting
Another hallmark quality of a narc and something so desperately awful to be on the receiving end of. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, used to manipulate someone. Narcs gaslight you to distort your reality, twist the truths, deny your feelings or emotions, dispel anything they’ve previously said or done, blatantly lie and then falsely blame others.
Signs you’re being gaslighted:
- Your self confidence seems to have disappeared completely.
- You think you’ve gone crazy.
- You can no longer trust your own judgements.
- You think you’re too emotional or too sensitive.
- You feel you cannot do or say anything right anymore.
- You feel constantly at fault or the one to blame.
- You seem to say sorry and apologise alot.
- You’re just not the same person that you used to be.
- You make excuses to others for your partner’s behaviour.
- You justify your partner’s behaviour in your own mind.
- You question your responses to your partner and think you behaved badly.
- You have anxiety and / or a gut feeling something is terribly wrong, but you can’t say what.
Being gaslighted is awful. I have no other word for it. It’s soul destroying. Why do they do it? It helps put them in a position of power and control. It helps them convince other people you’re the one with the problem / the one in the wrong. It helps keep you there, doting on them, not having any confidence left to leave or see you deserve better. It also ensures you keep being their narcissistic supply, because you suddenly can’t function or live without them.
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Triangulation – Third Party Involvement
Along with being gaslighted, being on the receiving end of triangulation is so damaging. I had no idea this was even a ‘thing’ or there was a term for it until I did my research. Triangulation is when a third person – usually females around, are used as a tool for manipulation in the relationship by the narc / toxic person. This is to ensure the narc keeps the power, the control and allows to reinstate and reproduce any insecurities, worries or fears you have about losing ‘the love of your life’. It also makes the narc look admired and in demand, which they thrive off.
Usually it is the ex partner, or close friend, or work colleague. The third woman may not even know she’s being used in this triangulation sick method of control. She’ll be put on a pedestal, idolized, she’s brought into conversation, into your life.. You’ll start to feel you’re having a relationship with him AND her, and whatever you do or say, she doesn’t go away. If you bring her up, you’ll be told you’re insecure, jealous, crazy, too sensitive, seeing things, imagining things, need to get a grip, need to talk to someone etc.
Narcissists enjoy using triangulation as a mind game that enables them to gain a sense of power and control over multiple people simultaneously. It confirms to them their own grandiosity – after all, aren’t they superior if they have all these people competing for their approval and validation
Flying Monkeys
In Wizard of Oz, the witch sends her flying monkeys to her dirty work for her. This is pretty much where this term comes from. A narc enlists the help of others around them / you, to aid in their campaign of bringing you down whilst bigging themselves up. These will usually be close friends of theirs, mutual friends of yours or family members.
Silent Treatment / WithDrawal Of Affection
Really shitty and worth pointing out – the silent treatment is a method to control you, to get power back and is emotional abuse. When you crave emotional support or physical attention, they’ll often withdraw it on purpose to keep you hooked and to ‘punish’ you for whatever they’re blaming you for in their minds. Withdrawal of their presence and/or affection is on purpose to control you and keep you craving them.
Dangling Carrots
As simply put – they’ll dangle carrots in front of you, of things you want or expect. This can be promises of vacations, future plans, maybe buying a home together, an engagement or even children. You’ll quickly notice these things never actually happen because they had no intention of ever delivering. It was empty words designed to keep you right where they want you, at home, by their side.
Trust Issues / Cheating Elements Start To Pop Up
You’ll start to notice more secretive behaviour. Works later now, is never home, even works weekends. You’ll start to notice women popping up on his phone, on his social media. You’ll start to feel angst, hurt, panicked, worried.. a constant sick feeling in your tummy 24/7. If you ever try address these concerns, it’s always flipped back onto you. You’re crazy, insecure, jealous, need therapy. OR, if you catch him red handed, it will either be ‘oh it’s just a friend’ or it will be ‘oh I was just perving all men do it, it’s innocent’ or it will be ‘Oh, it’s just texting banter it’s not flirting’ or, if you manage to catch him actually cheating… it will be your fault because you made him angry, cos you’re so crazy, cos you’re such a mess of a woman.
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Induces Anxiety / Depression / Panic Disorders
So, given all of the above, you can easily imagine the person on the receiving end starts to become a stress-filled anxious mess. You’ll probably start to get sleepless nights, panic attacks, anxiety spells, breakdowns, crying spells, screaming matches. This will then in turn demean you more in his eyes. Because he doesn’t like signs of weakness. He’ll start to use your current state against you too, saying he’s concerned about you, and making your current state the main issue, not what’s caused it.
And you know the sad thing? All you’ll ever have wanted was that man to love you properly. You just had no clue you were asking the wrong human for all the right things.
You Become Someone You Don’t Recognise
The worst part of all of this, is that you become exactly who he claimed you are.
You become a broken insecure mess of a woman – when you probably used to be so confident, so happy, so positive and so full of energy. You’ll be constantly spending most of your time trying to find out wtf he was up to, who he was with, whether he was lying to you, whether he even wanted a future with you, where his money was going, whether he was actually at work or elsewhere, whether he was happy or not happy, whether he still loved you or hates you…
..it is EXHAUSTING.
Then, because you hate the woman you become, and have no clue at the level of extent that HE had caused it all, the self hatred perpetuates more insecurity, more lack of self esteem, more pain, more worry about him cheating. And so it goes on.
If You Try Leave, it’s Idolize, Devalue, Discard Cycle All Over Again
You leaving them is not an option. Their ego cannot bear it. Narcissists HAVE to leave you…and usually once they’ve got a second person already waiting in the wings to be their ‘supply’. Narcs only move on once the new girl is lined up. If you try leave them and they don’t have someone else ready, expect a war.
If you start to show some inner strength and leave… they won’t have it. They’ll throw tantrums, cry, throw fits of rage… and they’ll then idolize you. If they think they’re losing you, aka their main ‘supply’, then they freak out. Suddenly they’re everything you have always wanted to be…which leads me onto my next point:
Grandiose Gestures of Changing / Getting Help / Realising Your Worth
They offer massive gestures of change. They might say they’ll get help. They might buy you something, or take you somewhere special. They’ll LOVE BOMB you all over again. They’ll make more promises, they’ll revert back to always texting, calling, being affectionate. You’ll start to believe they’ve ‘seen the light’ and they’ve genuinely changed. He has become everything you saw in the beginning, and held onto with all your might, and you’re so happy he has ‘come back’. You believe every word he says. Then you take them back and settle back into your relationship and…
Back to Devaluation
Yup, you guessed it. It’s back to devaluation. You’re back to being the mess you once were. The person they seem to hate the most. They’re back to prioritizing everything and everyone above you again, they’re back to checking out other women or lying or becoming secretive again…
And the ending is just as bad as the entire relationship. There are a few options:
- You leave AGAIN before they’ve managed to set up a new supply, and somehow find the strength to go no contact, to block, and to move on. This is highly difficult, it’s like going cold turkey on something you’re addicted to. So the most likely outcome is, unfortunately..
- You’re discarded and replaced.
Discarded & Replaced
Once they have a new supply or victim, you’ll suddenly become irrelevant. This is the hardest bit. They’ll appear to move on SO FAST as if you never existed. Often within days. You’ll be left in the worst pain imaginable, picking the broken pieces of yourself and your life back together, as they appear to have walked away smelling of roses, finding immediate love, still being admired by everyone around them, and you’re the crazy, insecure, rage-filled, no confidence ex-girlfriend. You’ll remain single and alone because that is how healthy normal people behave once they experience a breakdown of a major relationship in their life, and they’ll found the nearest human to leech on to for their narc supply, which also helps them reinforce their smear campaign about you that you’re the issue – because look, they have someone else already! You’re sad and alone! You must be the issue.
Then the cycle repeats itself, except the female protagonist has now changed. You can only be thankful it is no longer you.
*****************
Then, it’s healing time.
Your healing period will be as dark as the relationship itself. BUT, it’s imperative to get through it…because you’ll reach a place where you see this break-up as a blessing, and losing the narc is not a loss, but a win.
Recovery feature will follow.
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