Guest post by Lauren Windle
About Lauren
Lauren Windle is a journalist, author and TEDx speaker who speaks on faith, addiction and dating in the church. Her debut non-fiction book Notes on Love: Being Single and Dating in a Marriage-Obsessed Church, a funny, but heartfelt exploration of the single Christian experience is out in July, published by SPCK.
ALL single people are familiar with the obligatory questioning from their married friends. Think of that toe-curling scene in Bridget Jones if you’re lucky enough to have avoided it yourself. But it’s not just married people who say stupid things, we’ve all been guilty of it. Myself included.
It is one of the more perplexing human traits; we can easily identify an opportunity to navigate something carefully. We know when we’re in murky waters and wading ever closer to offending someone through a sensitive topic. We recognise the chance to exercise our emotional intelligence, tact and wisdom. Then we open our mouths and say something dumb as f***.
We’ve all done it. So, if you’ve said these things – join the club. We’re all human. But now that they’ve been collated into a handy list, none of us have an excuse not to fix up.
Worth noting: these get less annoying with proximity to the person you’re speaking to. If you’re talking to your best friend since nursery, who you run a small pottery business with and were surrogate for her first child, then you can get away a lot. If you’ve been sat next to each other at a wedding in a couple’s misguided attempt to ‘get everyone mingling’ avoid all the below like the plague.
I just don’t get why you’re single! You’re attractive, funny and clever – what’s going on with that?
I’m actually overqualified.
What exactly is your type then?
Thanks for asking, Judith, I’m all about the looks. If they don’t come with a six-pack I’m just not interested – and I’m not talking about beer. You don’t know anyone, do you?
I know you’re single, but here’s a plus one to my wedding anyway. Let me know their name and pre-order in two weeks’ time.
No problem. I’m bringing Sydney from accounting who will be in your wedding photos (but not my life) for all of eternity.
We’re all sharing with our other halves for this weekend. Who are you sharing with?
Me? I’ll be paying the single occupancy rate and face planting the mini bar.
So, when’s it your turn to settle down and get married?
I’m not sure. I did take a ticket when I came in, but I think I may have missed them calling my number when I nipped to the loo.
We need to find you someone!
Does this mean I’m getting set up with your neighbour’s 19-year-old who would rather be playing Call Of Duty: Warzone with his mates than be on a ping-pong date with me?
You’ll find someone.
This is life, John. Not a giant game of hide and seek.
I don’t get why you’re single – you’re so great!
Unfortunately, great does not equal marriage. I’ve met the married ones and I can confirm not all of them are great.
If you’re still single by 30 you should freeze your eggs.
Cheers mum. Would my buying a puppy satiate your desperate desire for grandchildren?
Are you online dating?
Yep. I’m on SugarDaddy.com and NaughtyMatches, by no one seems like they’re in it for the long haul. Am I doing it wrong?
Are you getting yourself out there?
If I could get the coordinates for ‘out there’ I’ll head over right now.
You’ll find them when you stop looking.
Brilliant. I’ll try that thanks.
