Are you ‘very demure? Very mindful?’
There’s a new trend sweeping social media, and it seems that we’re no longer brats.
Demure, in its traditional meaning, is typically used to describe women as ‘reserved, modest, and shy’ and despite the irony behind the trend, there’s one place where one sex and relationship expert believes women should be anything but demure… The bedroom.
In case you weren’t aware, there’s an orgasm gap; as shown by Lovehoney’s latest research, just 15% of women orgasm every time during sex, compared to 3 times as many men. (Lovehoney 2024 survey with Cint, 2,005 respondents.)
This is just the next in a long line of studies showing that all over the world, women are finding their pleasure and climaxing less frequently than their male counterparts.
So how can you combat this? According to Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, women need to adopt the complete opposite of demure, and advocate for themselves in the bedroom:
“If you’re one of the women finding your pleasure less often than your partner, it’s certainly nothing to live with, ignore, or adopt a ‘demure’ stance to. No, you’re not being demanding or ungrateful, and you can raise the issue without conflict or hurting your partner’s feelings.”
It’s all about how and where
“A big part of how your partner will react is how you raise it with them: you’ll want to be direct whilst also kind and complimentary.
“I’d recommend avoiding a conversation of this nature after sex, as this may be when your feelings are particularly raw, and you’re both a little vulnerable. Rather than making it a ‘big’ announcement, it needs to be brought up organically.”
Be clear
“If you’re going to bring it up, there’s no point beating about the proverbial bush. Your partner will likely appreciate your clarity, after all, they will want to please you. You could start
“Or better yet why not show them? Ask them to touch you softer or harder, to go a little slower or faster. Chances are they will welcome this hands-on guidance, and be turned on knowing it’s going to feel better for you.”
Pre-sex build-up
“Weave your points into your pre-sex build-up, such as through sexting. Start things early with a bit of flirtation: “I really want you to do XYZ to me later” or, once you gain a little confidence, you can whisper in their ear exactly what you’re thinking of trying later. They’ll be thinking about it all day.”
What do they want?
“Start the conversation by asking if there’s anything they would like you to do in bed, phrased in a positive way about enhancing their pleasure and experiencing new things together; this will start a back-and-forth. If your partner is able to reciprocate and ask what you’d like to try, it seems less like you’re making suggestions, and more like you’re hungry to explore.”
Focus on the positives
“A conversation such as this should be a positive one rather than a criticism, and a good way to keep things light is to wrap your suggestions up in a compliment about things they already do to please you. Try the sandwich: “X is great, I’d love to try Y, let’s do it after we do Z.” That way you can wrap your sexploration up in one big pleasure-filled package.”
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